The other writer, the other side of me
I hated myself even more. Because I know I'll always be the last choice, the 2nd best, the one to cover up their needs and wants for the time being.
I feel lifeless right now. Sobrang lutang lang ako sa harap nya. I feel nothing. I say and react like a robot. I feel nothing right now.
I don't know exactly what I am right now. Galit ba ako? Inis? Malungkot?" Ano ba talaga? Hindi ko alam. It's like a void space. I don't have a word for it but it feels like the sum of everything I could ever feel and endure.
I only know one thing: It kills me.
Me and my miserable events. I don't even know how I came across it. He says it's all in the past. I know. I've told that myself a long time ago. But why do I feel powerless? I don't know.
Sa pictures lang wala akong pakialam. It's nothing to me. But thoughts, kept lurking, that which haunts you. Words. They mean more to me this time. And with words came the questions.
How true is it when he tells me this and that... kisses me and tells me how much I'm dear to him?
When you see things then read things, it's an overload. The same words he used and expressed to his past love is just the same as mine. And he always tells me that he was never like that before, that I made him this and that and he's thankful of it, that he will do everything for us, walang iwanan, and all that shit. It's like a broken record, played all over again. I don't know what else to believe in.
I can't be mad at him. Neither to his past love. I can't feel any anger towards them because it's already done, in the past. What they said is just what they felt at that time. And that's normal.
I can't be mad at him because he didn't do anything. He never did.
I can't be mad at him because it was my choice to open the previous chapters of his life. It was my choice to engage myself in that part and read every chapter of it mentioning him.
I can't be mad at him because I know he loved her, dearly.
I just can't be mad. I'm not mad. But I'm hurt.
I feel their love. It's touching to read their exchanges all over again. Those where truly sweet and all that. I'm touched because it's said from the bottom of their hearts. I honestly feel that reading everything from how they met and how they were together.
When I see their pictures together, it's like magic. Just perfect. They look good together. Honestly, they look better together. And I feel sorry that things really turned out sour for the two of them. I feel sorry they had to go on separate ways. I feel like I wanted to put them together again. I just feel that I want to be the way they were.
So how did it really end up? He said he broke up. I don't know. I think it's true. On the other hand, I think it's because she had to go away to a foreign land. Or because she met someone there that's why HE decided to have me to cover up that hole in his broken heart. Please I know he loves her deeply. Or maybe she broke up with him.
I remember it well when he once showed me his ex's profile page. He showed me a picture of her being with another man, "Pinagpalit nya ako sa foreigner". there was an ounce of stress on that statement. I felt he was hurt. I felt like maybe he still regrets it during that time, well in fact kami na nun.
I suddenly remembered things, very sharply. He would always tell me that he likes me for letting him just do what he wants in life. He's free as long as he's happy I let him be. He tells me how much he hated the way his ex treated him. "Ayoko yung ginagawa nya. Para akong call center. Maya't maya tinatawagan." Pero bat ganun, yung sa message nya, sa blogpost nya sa ex nya sabi nya. "Yung palagi nya akong tinatawagan" under his blogpost "Mga bagay na gusto ko kay..." .
Knowing that he mentioned to her every single thing he told me, made me feel lifeless. It's like a recording, you just hit playback. Nothing sincere, nothing new. It feels like he just wants you to feel your special when you're not. I know Im not. Now I know Im no different.
Wow he never wrote this much before, nor does he take the time and effort to do this kind of stuff. There's just too many things, too much from his post that I wanted to mention but I'll end up with a hundredfold pages of comments and more.
Then he continues in his post, "I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU/ WALANG IWANAN
Ayan nakakatuwa kasi isa din to sa sinasabi nya at alam ko naman na di nya ako iiwan at bilang pangako ko sa kanya di ko din siya iiwan tanda ng pag mamahalan namin sa isat isa, both kami mag susumikap para matulungan ung magulang namin at maghahanda para sa pagsasama namin mga 5-6 years after :)"
Another broken record. I feel fake right now. Why does every single thing have to be exactly or very close to perfectly same with what he tells me now? I feel like a copycat of her. Her shadow. Im not me. Im no different. I feel like I just copied her even if I do not know her personally. I feel guilty.
Knowing that she doesn't delete posts about him, makes me think twice. Does she still have feelings for her? Does she still have heartaches? Does she still that one day they'll be ok again?
It leaves me a sense of guilt being involved in this. I know they broke up a long time ago before he met me. But I feel like I am standing there, between them, being that hindrance to the so called fate to bring them together again.
It sucks. They deserve each other so much that I suddenly felt empty. What does it have to do with mine? I felt powerless. I felt lifeless.
In my attempt to know all things, I dug the past. Alas! I fell into a pit. And it's pitch black inside. I see nothing. I hear nothing.
Masokista ata ako or sadista kasi kailangan ko saktan sarili ko ng ganito? I'm medling in the past when there is already a present to start over?
But the problem is I got stuck in the past and all the shit I got myself into. There's just too much to question and think about. So many things to regret for them. So many things I think should have happened between them.
I feel nothing. Because I'm left with nothing. Everything's with him.
And I'm very selfish because I wanted things for myself only, which is so wrong. I'm very insecure because I know I'm far from her.
I dont know why the heck should i read everything and screenshot everything that would make me feel worse, pictures and posts. It's like I'm making myself drown into all this bittersweet memories of theirs. I wanted myself to drown to death.
At first the photos meant nothing, I even felt happy for him. But I guess digging for more got me. Words got me and left me with so many questions.
It hurts my head. It keeps me awake late at night that I had to take two bottles to make me feel sleepy. Worse, I still had to endure an hour before it took effect.
Maybe I wanted to kill myself inside with all this stuff, because I wanted to know what I'm worth. What's in me that's worth bringing back to life?
I hated myself for being to weird and wanting to keep things for myself. I guess I'm just tired of making people frustrated that I can't be what I have to be. I'm fat. I don't have beautiful skin. My hair sucks. I suck. What good am I for?
I know it's wrong to be like this. It's no one's fault anyway. All but mine.
Maybe I just need space. I need to lick my wound for now and just rest. Get rid of all the shit that's ruining me. Pour out everything I need to throw away.
For now, I just want to write every inch of what kills me, everything that disturbs me. Write everything, until there's nothing left to write about.